I used to think that love was the answer. Forget about the fact that I wasn't entirely certain what the question was; if there was an answer to be had, love as an answer made perfect sense.
Love is supposed to make you feel tingly all over, smile more and cry less. Love is the reason for reality shows, like "Say Yes To The Dress" and "A Baby Story." And let's face it, the Beatles' song wouldn't have been half as successful or popular if it had been named "All You Need Is Someone With Nice Teeth."
It turns out that love isn't always the answer. Actually, let me clarify: Love isn't always the right answer. Love can't heal wounds or fix a broken heart. It can't change how you deal with confrontation or handle someone else's pain. Oh sure, it can make you forget about those things for a while, but eventually you find yourself facing the same problems with different people and wishing for different results.
There's an old saying that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I've grown to believe that you can lead someone to love but you can't make them open their heart. You can't make someone forget how things used to be with an ex. You can't promise someone that things will be different with you because you have no control over how they act or react in a given situation. Chances are that if a person deals with anger or frustration by withdrawing, no matter how many times you tell them that you want and need a relationship with open communication, you are going to end up angry and frustrated yourself. Even with the best of intentions and the deepest of feelings, sometimes love just isn't enough.
There have been times in my life when I thought I had things all figured out, when I thought that what I wanted and what I needed were one and the same. There have been times when my instincts were right on the money and other times when I look back and wonder what the heck I could have been thinking. We all make mistakes or have errors in judgment, but as American psychiatrist and author Theodore Isaac Rubin once said: "I must learn to love the fool in me: The one who feels too much; talks too much; takes too many chances; wins sometimes and loses often; lacks self-control; loves and hates; hurts and gets hurt; promises and breaks promises; laughs and cries."
I have been accused on occasion of being too emotional, too needy or too wordy (that last one directly relating to the length of my text messages to friends and family). I suppose that's true, but when you consider the alternative - keeping your emotions bottled up inside, being afraid to speak up or lacking in self esteem - I'll happily embrace those labels any day.
When it comes to love, we all have our own ideas of what will fill us, sustain us, or make us happy. One person's endearing trait can be another's source of utter frustration.
Some people can't say "I love you" enough, and others prefer to show someone how they feel rather than say the words out loud.
American folklorist, anthropologist and author Zora Neale Hurston, writes about love having the power to make your soul crawl out of its hiding place. We all hide in one way or another, don't we? Some of us build a wall around our heart and swear that no one will ever get close enough to hurt us again. Others say and do all the 'right' things and believe that they are open and loving and vulnerable, but upon closer inspection, you discover that their love comes with conditions and unspoken expectations. And then there are those who are far too free with their heart, offering it up as a gift to anyone who shows them the least bit of affection because they are afraid to be alone.
Ahhh yes.. alone. That poor, little misunderstood word. It's sad that the words "alone" and "lonely" are often seen as being the same thing. I don't know about all of the other single parents out there, but I've come to appreciate and embrace my "alone" time. I enjoy my own company and have learned to think of the times I spend on my own as "solitary refinement." You don't have to be alone to find yourself feeling lonely; I know some of the times in my life that I felt the most alone were when I was in a room full of people.
It's taken a lot of hard work and soul-searching but I've come to the conclusion that love doesn't make the world go round; love helps you stand still while the world spins around you. At the best of times, love can make a new friendship seem like an old one and the simple act of holding someone's hand become a proclamation to the world.
From this single parent's perspective, sometimes we look for answers when no one has even asked a question. Love is about setting aside pride and ego and fear, and learning that trust - in yourself and others - is the key to finding balance in your life. "I love you" shouldn't come with conditions or secrets or quiet penalties. It also shouldn't be something you're secretly afraid to hear because you feel it comes with all kinds of unspoken expectations. Sometimes "I love you" is simply "I love you." Find the person who will love you because of your differences and not in spite of them; that's where true love begins.
My favourite author, Leo Buscaglia, put it best: "The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt."
Love means different things to different people. Living in that somewhat magical place of actions that speak far louder than unspoken words is an OK place to be. We all figure things out somewhere along the way. Here's hoping if you didn't hear "those words" Thursday that you at least felt love's presence in abundance. A (belated) Happy Valentine's Day!
Kimberlee Taplay is a single mom of two girls and someone who has a beautiful bouquet of different colours and kinds of love in her life; God bless the broken roads. You can reach Kimberlee at athosofthree@rogers.com or via snail mail c/o The Expositor.
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