Diving into a new relationship can be exhilarating. It is exciting to get to know the ins and outs of someone's personality, spend hours talking to them and becoming intimate, and intertwine your lives by introducing them to your friends and family.
When all’s going well, sometimes you can't help yourself from falling in love. You may look at your partner one day and suddenly realize, “Oh my goodness—I love you!”
Some feel like shouting this from the rooftops, while others keep it to themselves for so long that those powerful words slip out. So, when is the right time to say "I love you" to your partner? After all, you don’t want to scare them away, but you also don't want to miss an opportunity to strengthen your connection and hear those words uttered back to you.
Navigating the 4 Stages of a Relationship
Identifying Your Feelings: Infatuation Vs. Love
Feelings at the beginning of a new relationship are often intense, and sometimes it’s difficult to know whether you’re feeling infatuation or genuine love for the other person. So, what’s the difference between the two?
“Love is deep, takes its time, has mutual respect, knows one another, really listens, and sees the true picture,” says Rachel Fleischman, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Bliss Counseling.
Fleischman says infatuation, on the other hand, can feel like a deep sense of connection, but is based on the idealization of someone else. “The key word here is idealization,” Fleischman says. “Infatuation is rooted in passion; you're wildly attracted to the person, you're excited to see them and the chemistry is beyond amazing.”
According to scientific studies, the infatuation stage may last anywhere from six months to a year.
This is not to say that infatuation won’t develop into love, but it is important to note the distinction. Love is more based in reality, and is evident by the deep care you have for someone else, including their shortcomings and quirks.
Psychologist Zick Rubin says romantic love consists of three elements: attachment (a desire to be with the other person), caring (valuing the other's happiness and needs), and intimacy (being vulnerable with each other).
“Love is rooted in both passion and intimacy; you have some or all of the spice of infatuation—like butterflies and excitement—coupled with friendship, trust, depth, and curiosity,” Fleischman says.
Take the Love Quiz
Our fast and free love quiz can help you determine if what you've got is the real deal or simply a temporary fling or infatuation.
This love quiz was reviewed by Ivy Kwong, LMFT.
Signs It’s the Right Time to Say, “I Love You”
If you are genuinely in love with your partner, there’s no right or wrong time to say "I love you". Still, you may be looking for signs that make it feel safer to utter these words. If the following are true, it may be the right time:
- You care for the other person’s well-being and happiness as much as you do your own
- You can envision taking the next step of your relationship, or even spending a lifetime together
- You still feel excited and happy when you’re not doing “fancy” things like eating at nice restaurants or going on cool dates with your partner
- You would immediately be there for your partner if they called you in an emergency
- You embrace your partner's flaws and idiosyncrasies
- You are willing to make sacrifices and compromises for your partner
- You experience a sense of completeness or contentment when together
- You feel secure in the relationship
- You crave knowing even more about your partner
- You've felt feelings of love for weeks or months
- You get the sense your partner feels all the same toward you.
40 Questions to Build Intimacy in a Relationship
Finding the Right Moment
As mentioned, there’s no right or wrong time for when to say, "I love you." However, it’s a good idea to make sure the setting feels right and that your partner is in a place to receive these words and understand the depth of what they mean if possible.
Generally speaking, it’s best to say "I love you" for the first time when you’re alone together, and when neither of you are under the influence of alcohol or any other substance You may also want to avoid saying it during or right after sex when emotions are naturally very high.
Aside from that, you can say "I love you," whenever it feels right to you.
“If that urge is strong, go for it,” Fleischman says. “If you feel anxious about it, take a breath, slow down, and enjoy the rush of being together. It’s OK to wait.”
If you’ve only been together for a short time—under six months—and the relationship is on the right trajectory, there’s no need to rush the words. With true romantic love, both your feelings and their's will only grow stronger.
“Sometimes, you can get so excited about being in this new relationship and about all the possibilities it has for the two of you that you just can’t control it, and you want to say it immediately,” says Fleischman. She says that, while love is love, there is no need to rush it and say it right away.
Saying "I Love You" Too Early
While most people want to feel love, hearing those three magical words can also be very scary. Saying "I love you" signals the relationship is getting more serious and it may require more care and attention. While progressing a relationship is exciting, for some this may cause them to step back a bit.
“Hearing the words, ‘I love you,’ can signal a new phase—one that is not simply fun and casual but is heading toward exclusivity and commitment,” notes Naomi Angoff Chedd, LMHC, director of counselor support services at Counslr. “If one partner is feeling that this is the right direction, but the other isn’t sure yet, hearing those words can change the dynamic and even cause the uncertain partner to retreat or end it.”
If you get the sense that your partner isn’t quite ready to reciprocate the love your feeling, give yourself and the relationship some space. This could be a good time to ask your partner where they see the relationship going, whether you’re on the same page, and generally how they’re feeling in the partnership.
Why Can't I Stop Thinking About Someone?
What To Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Say, “I Love You” Back
If you told your partner you love them and they didn't say it back, don’t beat yourself up. It's important to honor your emotions and deep feelings for your partner even if they aren’t reciprocated (or reciprocated yet).
Give your partner space to accept these powerful words and what they mean for your relationship. You can even ask how the words make them feel, and let them know that they don’t have to say them back if they’re not ready. It’s also helpful to explain what the words “I love you” mean to you since the definition varies so much from person to person.
In time, they may better process these words and say they love you too. But, if their feelings never reach the same level as yours, that’s OK, too. This can be painful to process, but it ultimately gives you the answer you need about whether to move forward in the relationship. Either way, you were vulnerable with the other person and your intentions were kind, which is something to be proud of.
Unrequited Love—What to Do When Love Is One-Sided
